Tessie D

Looking back, I can’t believe I’m even the same person who wrote that earlier post. I was so optimistic. How is it possible that so much can change in just a week? I left school on Friday afternoon—excited about the festival and carnival, but so much has happened since then. 

I am not sure even how or where to start. So, let me start with the best part of the week. 

Saturday, everything was going great. It felt like one of those perfect spring days—the air was cool that morning, and driving in, I could see the sun rising over the hill, burning the dew off the blanket of yellow wildflowers scattered throughout the pasture. 

I rolled the windows down on the truck and turned up the radio, singing along, feeling that rare moment when you’re aware of all of your senses at the same time.

I drove into town and headed up to the high school to pick up my trombone before walking over to the parade’s starting point. We marched down Patrick Street and then later headed over to the City Park for the rest of the day’s festivities. It was a wonderful day—just like I’d thought it would be. 

I hung out most of the day with Amy, Lisa, and Melissa. 

I wouldn’t say they are my best friends or anything. My real best friend, Sarah, moved to Louisiana last year after her dad got a job on an oil rig in the Gulf. Amy, Lisa, and Melissa are the friends that I hang out with because you can’t go through high school by yourself. 

I’m aware that I’ve been sitting in the library by myself at lunch for the past month typing in this diary. It’s just that Amy, Lisa, and Melissa are completely different from me. They’re Drill Team matching t-shirts and little white tennis shoes, and I’m oversized overalls from the tractor supply store. 

We were standing between the Ferris wheel and the carousel, and I was watching the little kids go around, smiling and laughing. I felt a tinge in my stomach, an ache to get on the ride with them, but I knew Melissa scold me for being too old for carnival rides. 

Over the music blasting from the carousel speakers, I heard Melissa laugh and shout, “Tess! Isn’t that your dad?”

Melissa pointed, and we could see Daddy stumbling through throngs of children and couples. Amy screamed, “He’s hysterical!”

I could feel the embarrassment and shame washing over me, but I smiled and looked away, “Yep, that’s him. Looks like he’s having a good time.”

Melissa and Lisa were still laughing when Amy smiled and said, “Well, you can’t get mad at that. My dad could probably use a good time at the carnival, too.”

Standing there with them, all of us watching Daddy, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run over and pull him out of the park, drive him home, hide all of this from the world. But, my legs felt rooted to the ground. I felt paralyzed by the humiliation. 

After what must have been an eternity, I finally said, “Come on, let’s get in line for the ride.”

We had just gotten in line when I saw four boys standing near a food stall. They were older—tall and lean with dark hair and eyes. Their arms and faces were tanned—like they’d spent their summers throwing hay bales. I didn’t recognize them and they looked older than the other high school boys in my class.  

One of the boys looked over and smiled at me. I smiled back and then the other boys followed his gaze and spotted us, too. They returned to their conversation briefly, and then one of the larger boys broke away from the group and began walking toward us. As if synchronized, Amy, Lisa, and Melissa noticed them, too.

One of the stockier boys spoke up first, “Hey. I think you dropped something?”

Amy and Lisa looked around at their feet, and then Amy responded, “What? Where?”

“Yep, there it is. Your smile.”

I rolled my eyes but Amy and Lisa giggled and smiled back. We were quiet for a little bit before Amy said, “I’m Amy, and this is Lisa, Melissa, and Tess.”

The first boy introduced the group. They were Jody, Stephen, and Angel. They were in freshman in college, and they came to town for the evening to check out the carnival. They asked if we were in college, and Amy and Lisa started giggling again. 

“No, we’re seniors in high school,” Amy said.

It was awkward for a moment and then Melissa asked about their majors. 

Stephen and Jody were studying business, but Angel didn’t say anything. So, I asked asked him about his major. 

Angel looked back at me and I could see that he had the darkest brown eyes that I’d ever seen with long, thick eye lashes. His skin was dark with a smattering of slightly darker freckles across his nose and cheeks. He wasn’t as tall or as broad as his friends, but he stood up straight with wide shoulders and a broad chest, and his posture reminded me of someone who walked around with a book on their head. 

“Ag,” he said. “But, who knows what I’ll do with it. I guess I moved off the farm just to study farming some more.” 

I smiled back at him and could feel myself start to blush. I couldn’t help it. The way that he looked at me straight on was disarming. 

Angel turned to the others and it felt like a spell had broken. “Y’all wanna ride the Ferris wheel?” He asked. “We have a couple of extra tickets.” 

Amy smiled, and Lisa’s eyes lit up. “Yeah, that’d be fun,” she said, and before I could respond, they were walking toward the gate to get onto the ride. 

I know that it doesn’t make sense and that I didn’t have any reason to be this way, but  as they walked away, I felt so incredibly jealous and embarrassed. Angel had first made eye contact with me, and I thought he had walked over to talk to me. 

I just don’t understand what happened. I thought that he was coming over to talk to me but instead got on the ride with Lisa and Amy. I should have said something to get his attention—smiled more, said something funny or interesting. 

It’s not like this sort of thing hasn’t happened a hundred times before. Boys always pay attention to my friends, and I fade into the background. It’s just that when Angel looked at me and then walked over, I thought it was coming to talk to me. I thought this time was different. 

But, why wouldn’t he be more interested in them? If anyone is out there and reading this, you have to understand—I don’t share this because I want you to feel sorry for me. I’m not trying to be coy or self-deprecating to get your attention or sympathy. It’s just that there’s a certain type of girl that Texas boys go for—tall, thin, tanned, blonde. I am none of those things—I’m the opposite.

It’s not that I’m heinous looking or anything. But, it’s also beyond that. There’s an agreeableness, a passiveness that I just don’t have. I’m too outspoken, too headstrong, too independent. When Coach Strickland called the cheerleaders up to his desk in World Geography and had them bend over his desk so that he whisper the test answers into their ears—while also looking down their t-shirts—I got detention for calling him out about it in class. His wife, the sophomore Algebra teacher, even scolded me to keep my “stupid mouth shut with any false accusations.” Later, Dustin asked at lunch if I was jealous because Coach Strickland wasn’t paying me the same attention.

This is why I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve never had a boyfriend or even so much as held a boy’s hand. 

This is what I was thinking about, standing on the ground below, watching Amy, Lisa, and Angel sitting in the bucket seat and riding in huge sweeping circles toward and then away from us, feeling my loneliness grow with each rotation of the huge mechanical wheel. 

Eventually, the ride began stopping to let riders off and new riders on, and I looked up to see Angel at the top. While Amy and Lisa were talking to each other, Angel did not seem to be paying them any attention. Instead, he was looking toward the horizon.

I imagined what it must’ve looked like from his height. The sun was setting, so he could still see the carnival from up there—see the tops of the other rides and food stalls, the row of trailers parked down the field where the carnival workers must have lived and slept when not working. He could see everyone wandering from ride to ride and he could see us looking up at him. And, as if he could hear my thoughts, Angel looked down. 

I waved, and Angel smiled back. 

And, that was it. The three of them got off the ride, and the boys left. I found Daddy, and we went home.