Tessie D

Graduation is coming, and I’m starting to get excited about it. I’ve been going to the same school with the same people for most of my life. I have driven the same dirt road, made the same left turn, and parked in the same spot. There aren’t any surprises here. There are no grand mysteries, no big secrets, no intrigues. I have seen the same faces every day of my life for most of my life—and they’ve all seen mine. We all know who everyone is related to and that everyone is either someone’s cousin or married to their cousin. 

But, I’m going to graduate and I am so excited for the possibilities. The infinite possibilities. Everything can be different. I can be different. I can be an entirely new person. 

The summer between my sixth and seventh-grade year, I decided that when school started back up in August, I would be a new version of myself. I was going to be thin, pretty, and popular. I ran two miles every day and lost 15 pounds. I got a subscription to a magazine for teenage girls and spent the entire summer swimming, tanning, and reading about make-up and being interesting to boys. 

I was convinced that when the school year started I’d be a new version of myself. I’d come back new and improved — thin, tan, pretty, interesting. I’d walk into the building on the first day and everyone would stop and notice me. They’d whisper to each other about how much prettier I was. I’d raise my hand in class and teachers would be so impressed by my cleverness. 

But, nothing was any different. None of that happened. I was a little taller but none the wiser. Maybe it is the same for everyone. That’s what we all dream about at that age. 

I was still just Tess Despare. 

Tess, with the drunk father. 

Tess, in a double-wide. 

Tess.  

I still think it’s possible to reimagine myself. To be a new person. I have to believe it. That we can change and grow into new — or at least better — versions of ourselves. Otherwise, what’s the point?

I’m going to graduate in 4 weeks. I’m going to go to college with new people who don’t know me and haven’t known me for my entire life. I can be an entirely new person — someone who is educated, smart, and charming. I can be interesting and funny. I can be anyone else but Tess.