Tessie D

It’s been a few days since I wrote anything. 

I haven’t felt much like talking about it. 

I suppose I should just start.

I went to the party on Saturday night. First, I went to the resturant and worked my shift. I wasn’t sure I was going to go to the party, but everyone at work was talking about it and planning to go. They were excited and the shift moved so quickly with everyone buzzing around the restaurant in a good mood. It meant that tips were also good and that made everyone extra happy. 

I still wasn’t sure if I was going to go but when I was standing in the back by the cook prep table and Eric walked up and asked me specifically if I was going to come. 

“You should, it’ll be fun. Besides, you’re almost out of high school. You’re practically a college student already. Come hang out with us.”

Part of me wanted to come. The way that everyone was talking about the party, it felt like I’d be missing out if I didn’t go. I wanted to go. This is the part of my life that have been talking about wanting to get started. 

But, another part of me felt… weird about it. 

It’s not that I have never been to a party before or drank alcohol. I’ve been to a few pasture parties after the football game or in the summer. Someone’s parents will be out of town and everyone meets up and parks in their field.  There’s beer and booze and someone will play music from their car stereo. You lay down some blankets and pillows in the beds of the pick up trucks and pass out under the stars until morning. Most everyone’s parents know what’s going on and just don’t say anything because “better that they’re drinking at staying put instead of out driving the highway.” 

But, this just felt different. My friends were always at the pasture parties but this time, I’d be with people from work. It’s not like they aren’t my friends, but it’s just different. 

Finally, I decided that I would just go and check it out for just a bit. If I wasn’t having a good time, I could always sneak away and go home. 

I changed my work uniform in the bathroom and put on a white t-shirt underneath a knee-length floral dress and black lace-up boots. I pulled my hair back and fixed it the best I could in a ponytail, some of the curls escaping at my temples, despite my best efforts. I took a look in the mirror and smiled at myself, thinking that I looked kinda pretty tonight. 

Leaving the bathroom, I walked past the empty tables and headed toward the backdoor, sneaking out before anyone still working could see me. When I got out side and walked up toward my truck, I saw Desiree walking up to meet me in the parking lot.

“Hey, Tess! Are you going to Eric’s party?”

“Yeah, I think so.” 

“Cool! You’re not planning to drink, are you? You don’t seem like the drinking type. Leave your truck here, and ride out there with me, Jennifer, and Matt, so that we can drink. You can drive us back later tonight and sleep over at my apartment.” 

I wasn’t sure how to respond. It was definitely better that Desiree had a designated driver. She was also right that I wasn’t going to drink. But I wanted to be able to leave when I wanted to.

“How long are you staying? I wasn’t planning to stay that late tonight. I have a lunch shift tomorrow.” 

“Oh, we won’t stay all night, either. I’ve got to work tomorrow, too, and we can ditch Jennifer and Matt later if they don’t want to take off.” 

“Why don’t we just bring my truck then, and I’ll drop you off at your apartment later?” 

Desiree smiled. She was so beautiful. I wasn’t surprised that Matt was secretly in love with her.

“I’ve got all the beer and ice loaded into my car already. Besides, we don’t have room for everyone in your pick up. Come on. We’ll owe you one.” 

I looked around and took a deep breath.

“Okay, I guess that would work. I just need to leave before it gets too late.” 

I climbed into the back seat of Desiree’s car, just as Matt and Jennifer came up to the car. Jennifer was carrying a brown paper bag with the lid of a clear bottle poking out the top. Matt had a case of beer under his arm. 

Matt smiled when he saw me sitting in the back seat.

“Hey, Tess! Riding out with us?”

Jennifer looked into the car and seeing me said, “Here, take this and slide over.”

She handed me the brown bag she’d been carrying. It was a large glass bottle with a handle on the side. I recognized it as the cheap vodka Daddy sometimes drinks when he was feeling…festive.

Eric and Jay didn’t live that far out of town, a few miles down Highway 914 past the city limits sign. They lived in a small, rundown single-wide trailer down a dirt lane in the middle of a pasture. Desiree drove fast, and I was relieved when we pulled up out front after a few minutes. Several cars and trucks were already parked in the grass. When I climbed out of Desiree’s backseat, I could already hear people yelling and laughing from inside. 

The stairs leading into the trailer were steep and narrow, so that only one person could walk up or down at any time. When I got inside, the trailer was long, narrow, and with low ceilings and outside doors that opened up on opposite sides of the house, one just off the living room and the other near the kitchen. Also at the center of the trailer was a kitchen and small circular dining room table. Along the back wall of the living room was a door, propped open to a small bedroom. Eric wasn’t kidding when he At least fifteen people sat in the small living room, dining room, and kitchen.

Alex sat in the back corner holding a beer bottle and talking with two guys I didn’t recognize. My heart stopped and my legs went numb. I wanted to turn around and run out of the house, but I couldn’t move. I thought for a second that I was going to vomit. 

It was dark outside, and I must’ve missed seeing his car out front with everyone else’s. And, I hadn’t seen Alex in several days, so it didn’t occur to me for a second that he’d come to something like this since he didn’t usually hang out with people from work, always keeping himself apart from everyone else.

Someone walked up beside me and shoved a can of cold beer at me, “Here, you need one of these,” I heard Jay say. 

I stammered. 

“No, I… I can’t… I’m not…”

“Of course, you can. No one here is going to call the cops and nobody cares if you’re not 21. Besides, it’s a party!”

He reached over and popped the tab on the beer and pushed the can back toward me.

“Drink!”

I took a swig, pretending to drink, and smiled back as Jay cheered.

“Hell, yeah! Good girl!”

I don’t like the taste of beer, and I’d promised to stay sober for Desiree. But, more than that, something felt off. A nagging feeling.

I stood in the kitchen for a while, trying to stay as far away from Alex as possible. When he got up to go to the kitchen, I moved to the living room. When he came back to the living room, I went back into the kitchen. I felt more disappointment and anxiety than anything remotely resembling “having a good time.”

I regretted coming. I regretted letting Desiree talk me into riding with her. I wanted to home. But I knew that I’d hadn’t been there long — surely not even an hour — so I was sure that Desiree wouldn’t want to leave so soon. But, I knew immediately that coming to this party was a mistake. 

I tried to make conversation and be polite. To be clever and interesting. But, every time that I did, it felt forced. I didn’t know what they were talking about—their courses at the university, their professors. They talked which couples were dating and which ones were just having sex. Eventually, the beer that I’d been holding was warm in my hand. But I didn’t put it down in case someone tried to give me another one. 

I’d been keeping track of the time — counting down until the clock struck midnight. Then we could go. But, when the time came, Desiree wasn’t ready to take off.

“We can’t go yet! We’ll go in an hour.”

An hour later, Desiree moaned that it was still too early to go.

“It’s just getting fun! Hang out, relax!”

She was getting drunker as the night went on. I thought about leaving her and just taking her car back to town or dragging her to the car and forcing her to go home. But, I was worried what people would think or say — I’d look like a jerk, dork, pathetic loser.  

So, I sat back down on the couch and tried to look interested in whatever conversation was going on around me.

I must’ve dozed off for a few minutes because when I woke up, the party was noticeably quieter, and it was clear that several people had left, including Desiree.

Panic began to creep up on me as I frantically looked around the trailer, looked outside. But, Desiree’s car was gone. 

Jennifer was gone. 

Matt was gone. 

They’d left the party and had left me behind with it.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t know how I was going to get back to town. I needed to think, but my thoughts were jumbled and fragmented. 

The door to the trailer opened, and Alex walked into the living room, the faint smell of cigarette smoke coming in with him.

I stood up from the couch and looked around. I felt jumpy and didn’t want to be sitting down.

“Is everything okay?”

I looked around quickly.

“Yes, fine. Just looking for Desiree so that we can take off.” 

“Oh, she left a while ago with Eddie. She was too drunk to drive so he said he’d get her home.”

I know that I should’ve been surprised, but I wasn’t. I was too disappointed and hurt to be surprised. It felt like I somehow deserved it. Why would Desiree, a college girl, want to hang out with someone like me? Care about whether or not I got home?  

Alex said and smiled.

“Let me give you a ride back to town. I can drop you off at your truck. I can be your knight in shining armor.” 

“No, thanks. I got this. I’ll call my friend, Monica, and she can come and pick me up.”

I wasn’t going to call anyone. But, I didn’t want a ride home from Alex and if I had to walk all night back to town, I’d just do that. I just needed to get away from Alex.

Alex came into the bedroom and stood at the door. 

Stands in front of me. Freeze. Tries to kiss me. Standing in front of the door. Can’t get out of the bedroom. Starting to feel panic. Trapped just like I was in the freezer. 

Alex began to kiss me again, on my neck. 

He moved his body closer to mine, and I took a step back. He stepped forward again, and I stepped back. This time, though, I was against the foot of the bed. 

He raised his hand and reached up to touch me. I pulled away.

“Stop”.

He said it, quietly. Sternly. Like it was an order. 

I don’t know why, but I stopped. I just sat on the edge of the bed while he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. I could feel his tongue pushing my lips apart, pushing himself into my mouth. 

I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that I wasn’t there. I was at home, at school, in the football stands. 

“Get on the bed.” 

He didn’t raise his voice. He didn’t yell. 

I pushed myself back so that my head was on a pillow at the head of the bed. 

My arms felt heavy, like they were anchored to the bed. He moved on top of me, the weight of him pressing me into the bed. He began kissing me on the neck while his hands pulling down the strap of my dress and groping underneath my t-shirt at my breasts. 

I looked up at the ceiling. The popcorn ceiling with specks of glitter in it. They reminded me of the stars that I’d seen earlier that night before walking into the party. I remembered, then, the cheap plastic stars that I bought at a garage sale and put up on the ceiling in my room. I loved how they lit up faintly while I was falling asleep. I thought about the day that I bought them. Me and Momma had gone to get breakfast on a Saturday morning in September. I bought a newspaper for a quarter and we circled all the garage sales in town going on that morning. Then we drove from house to house. Most of the time, we were just looking to see what we could find. Like a treasure hunt. I bought the starts for fifty cents. The package was still sealed. Can you imagine buying something and putting it aside and never even opening it?

Alex pulled up the hem of my dress and pushed it up to my waist. I was wear black cotton underwear and he rubbed his hand on me.

“You like that, don’t you?”

I didn’t say anything. He push my hair to the side and kissed my neck. I kept my legs squeezed together, thinking that he’d understand. He’d get the message. I thought about school next week. I tried to remember if I had homework in English to read. We were reading Virginia Woolf this week, but I hadn’t done the reading yet.

“You’re a good girl. Be a good girl.”

He wedged his knee in between my thighs and the weight of him forced them apart. I could suddenly see myself and what it all looked like. I was on the ceiling looking down and I was embarrassed by how I looked. Exposed. Nobody had ever seen me like this.

When Alex pulled at my underwear, I felt myself return into my body.

“No.”

“Shhh…”

I pulled at my underwear to get them back up and Alex sat up a little bit. He braced himself, putting put his forearm on my shoulder and his hand around my neck. He didn’t squeeze but panic seized me. I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me.

“Don’t.”

He started fumbling at his pants. I thought about getting up, running out of the room, out of the house, into the road, all the way home if I had to.

But, his weight was so heavy and his thumb dug into the space under my chin.

I was naive enough to think that since I was still wearing my underwear that nothing was could happen. But, I realized too late that it wouldn’t matter because I knew what was going to happen next. I knew enough of what to expect. I’d heard that it was going to be painful, so I braced myself for it. 

I squeezed my eyes shut. I could only think of the prayer that we said in the locker room before the games.

“Our Father, who art in Heaven,

hallowed be thy Name,

thy kingdom come,

thy will be done,

on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us those who trepass against us.

And lead us not into temptation…”