Tessie D

Amber, Robin, and I went to the bar. I wasn’t going to go — I still had work today, and I knew that it would make for a rough Friday — but Robin’s boyfriend broke up with her, and she was feeling down about it. So, we piled into Amber’s pickup and headed over to Stephenville. The entire drive over, we listened to some of Amber’s favorite CDs. They were poppier and more upbeat than the music I typically listen to.

I was listening to a DJ on the radio a couple weeks ago talking about 90s grunge music, and he said that it’s hard to be that depressed and morose all the time.

“We tried it on for a while, but most of us just aren’t that unhappy — or at least don’t want to be that unhappy — all of the time.”

I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that until I was in Amber’s truck listening to her favorite boy band singing about how they’d be loyal forever. That they’d never want it any other way. I thought of the DJ’s comment about grunge music, and I understood then what he was talking about. It doesn’t feel good to feel bad all of the time.

I want to feel good, too. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

We got to Stephenville later than we probably should have, but Amber and Robin didn’t seem to mind that we’d only have a few hours before taking off and going back home.

The bar was loud and dark by the time we walked in — everyone else had been there for a while, it seemed. The floor was sticky under my shoes, and the air smelled like stale beer, cologne, and body odor. Several couples were out on the dance floor two-stepping to a country song that I immediately recognized. Some people were playing at the pool table in the far back corner, and groups of people stood at the small circular tables throughout the bar.

I could feel myself beginning to sway with the music, and I was glancing around the bar when I spotted Angel standing at the bar to my right. He was talking to some other guys — the same guys from the carnival — when he noticed us coming in, and a smile spread across his face. He gestured at the guys and then pointed at us. I smiled and waved at him, and Angel smiled back.

As he walked over, I could see Amber and Robin taking notice that he was headed our way. They both giggled, and Amber pushed her long, dark hair behind her ear.

“Tess, what are y’all doing here? I didn’t know you came here. And, certainly not on a work night. Don’t you have to be at the office early tomorrow morning for payroll?” Angel winked.

Amber and Robin looked surprised by Angel’s familiarity.

“Um, well, yes, but I could ask you the same thing. Don’t you have to be at work early, too?”

“Oh, but I don’t. I’m coming in on Sunday, so Mr. Olsen is letting me take tomorrow off.”

“Okay, well, I didn’t know that,” I smiled. Amber stepped lightly on my toe to get my attention.

“Oh, Angel, this is Amber and Robin,” I said, gesturing toward them. “We live together in Brownwood. And, this is Angel. We work together at the dairy.”

Angel stuck out his hand, “Nice to meet you.” They shook hands, and I could see Amber trying to decide how she’d play the evening. Whether she had a shot at him.

But, as if he could read her mind, Angel turned toward the guys from the carnival that he’d been talking to and gestured for them to cover over.

They were still almost exactly as I’d remembered them, except maybe a little bit softer in the face and torso. They wore button-up western shirts, cowboy boots, and baseball caps.

“Robin, Amber, this is Stephen and Jody. We were all at college together until I transferred to Brownwood.”

“And blew up his whole life,” Jody said, nudging Angel.

“Well, and that,” Angel smiled.

The music changed, and a slower song came on. Stephen looked at Amber and leaned in. I couldn’t hear what he’d said, but he must’ve asked her to dance because he grabbed her hand and started pulling her toward the floor. She looked back at me, smiling broadly.

Jody stood for a second watching Amber and Stephen walking away. He took a swig from his beer, set the bottle down on the table, and leaned in this time toward Robin.

They followed the same path to the dance floor, leaving Angel and me standing in their wake.

I looked across the bar and watched them dancing. I wanted to be out there with them, my body moving slowly to the music. Remembering how good it’d felt to be held the last time I was here.

Angel bent forward, his face close to mine. I could feel his breath in my hair.

“I’d ask you to dance, but I’m not very good.”

“That’s okay. I didn’t feel much like dancing anyways. I’m not very good either.” The second part wasn’t a lie, at least.

We both stood at the little table for a moment, neither of us talking. I surveyed the room, taking in all of the couples.

“Your roommates seem nice,” Angel finally said.

“They are. We all get along pretty well, and it’s been a good fit. I was worried when I first moved in since they all already knew each other. But, it’s been fine.”

“Yeah, are they from Brownwood?”

“Amber and Robin are. My other roommate, Patricia, is from Bangs. They all go to HPU together. They got some kind of permission to live in a house instead of the college dorm because they come from the area.”

I was talking more freely than I normally did. But, between the music in the truck and now the music here, I was feeling comfortable. Relaxed.

“Let me get you a drink. What do you want?”

I blinked. I’d never had someone buy me a drink at a bar before. I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t want him to think I was lame, but I wasn’t legal yet to drink, and besides that, I didn’t want to. I’d promised that after seeing Daddy drinking, I’d never want to be like that ever.

“Oh, thank you. Just a Coke, if that’s okay.”

Angel smiled, “Sure, that’s fine. That’s what I’m drinking, too,” and he held up his plastic cup. “Don’t tell anyone,” he said and winked.

I smiled back, more broadly than before. My shoulders softened.

Angel came back a few moments later, carrying two plastic cups. “Cheers!” he said, and clinked his drink against mine.

We stood for another moment before the song ended, and our friends started making their way toward the bar.

I saw Angel look over at them, then back at me.

“They’re pretty, huh?” I asked.

“What? Oh, yes,” Angel nodded, realizing who I was talking about.

“Amber is studying to be an elementary teacher. She’s good with kids. And Robin is a business major. She wants to run her own business one day. Or, help her husband with his.”

Angel nodded again. He looked back at me and squinted. But, he didn’t say anything.

The music was still so loud, and I felt the tension coming back.

Finally, I said, just to fill up the dead air between us as much as anything, “If you want someone who’s happy with a simple life, you should ask one of them out.”

I don’t know why I said it, but I knew it was the wrong thing. Angel nodded and looked like he was thinking, but didn’t say anything. Robin saw us looking toward her and smiled back. She started walking back over toward us.

Robin and Angel started talking.

“I’ll be back in a minute,” I said, walking toward the bathroom.

I stood at the bathroom counter and exhaled, looking at myself in the harsh lighting. My dark hair hung listlessly, and my complexion looked sallow. An attendant offered me some soap, and I took it and smiled.

I knew I’d ruined the moment. But it didn’t matter. Angel wasn’t really all that interested in me, and he should have been talking to someone like Robin or Amber, anyway. They came from the right kind of families. They were the kinds of girls that guys like Angel married.

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Angel didn’t come into work today like he said that he wasn’t, and I’m grateful for it. By the time we’d gotten home, it was well past two in the morning. I’d only had a few hours of sleep before getting up to come into the office.

I’ve worked straight through all morning, not even stopping for lunch, and just eating my sandwich at my desk. I just need to get through the rest of the day, then I can go home, crawl into bed, and stay there for the next two days.