Tessie D

I woke up feeling sullen on Sunday. The weather is changing, and seasons are coming and going, even without my sweet Baby. Saturday had come and gone, and I realized when I woke up on Sunday morning that I’d gone an entire day without thinking about her. The passing of time makes it harder to remember her smile and laugh. What her tiny hands felt like. The softness of her skin. She’s fading from my memory a little bit more every day.

I guess it must’ve read all over my face because Patricia and Amber invited me to go to church with them. I hadn’t been in a few months, and I didn’t want to spend the day feeling bad.

And, I could sit in a pew for two hours and think about Baby. Then, I could let her go for the day and get on with it.

Patricia and Amber go to a small, non-denominational church out of town, close to the dairy. So, we drove out in my car since I was more familiar with the area. Everything was fine at church — everyone was nice and welcoming. Patricia introduced me to the boy, James, that she’s had a crush on all year.

We started back toward the house after the main service was over, and just as soon as we’d gotten a little ways down the road, my car broke down. The dashboard started lighting up, and every gauge started flashing and flickering. Steam started billowing from under the hood. I pulled over, not entirely sure what to do next. I couldn’t keep driving, but I didn’t know anyone in town who could help me. Normally, when something like this would happen, I’d walk to someone’s house and call Daddy to come fix the truck or pick me up. But most of the neighbors knew me, so it wasn’t a big deal to ask for help.

I wasn’t at home, though. I didn’t know any neighbors, and I couldn’t call Daddy.

We were standing by the car on the side of the road, the hood up, looking into the engine as if we had any idea what we were looking at, when a pick-up pulled up in front of us.

I recognized the old brown Ford pick-up right away. Angel was heading back to town from the dairy after checking on the morning’s milking.

Angel got out of the truck and walked back to where we were standing on the side of the road. Angel bent over and looked at the engine. Then he layed down on the ground and scooted underneath the front end to get a different look at the engine.

“Our guardian Angel, coming to save the day. He’s welcome to check out my undercarriage if he’d like,” Amber said and winked at me.

If Angel had heard her, he was polite enough to pretend that he didn’t.

I, on the other hand, was mortified.

“Looks like something to do with the radiator,” he said definitively.

I scrunched up my face and nodded. I still didn’t know what to do about that, even if it was the radiator. I took a deep breath and looked around, trying to figure out a plan.

Angel pulled a red handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped off his hands. He looked at me with a puzzled expression.

“Well, how about this? I’ll head into town and call you a tow truck,” Angel said.

“Oh well, I don’t know about that. You don’t have to go to all that trouble. If you can just give Amber and Patricia a ride back into town, I can figure this out.”

“I can do half of that. I’ll give y’all a ride, I’ll call a tow, and then I’ll come back out here and wait with you until it gets here. Then, I’ll drive you home.”

“No, no. You don’t have to come back out here and wait with me. I can do that by myself. I can figure out the rest.”

“I don’t doubt that is true. But, I’ll be back in a bit, either way,” he smiled.

Angel’s truck was a single-cab, so the three of them piled onto the bucket seat.

“We’ll have lunch ready for you when you get home, Tess. Don’t worry. Everything will be fine, and Angel will take care of you!” Patricia reassured me as she was climbing in.

I smiled faintly. There was no way that I was going to be able to afford this. I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do. Maybe I could call Momma and Daddy and ask them to send me some money? Who am I kidding? I knew I was going to have to write a hot check and just hope the bank paid it and only charged me the $25 overdraft fee.

I watched as they drove off, Amber in the middle, next to Angel. His truck had a manual transmission, which meant that his hand would brush against her thigh whenever he shifted gears. 

Watching them drive further and further away, I was reminded of that moment at the carnival all those years ago, Angel floating up the Ferris Wheel or down this farm-to-market road. Either way, I was left behind, watching it all from a distance.

True to his word, thirty minutes later, Angel drove up and parked where he had earlier. He got out of the truck and walked to the back, pulled the handle on the tailgate, and let it drop with a loud thump. He sat down and patted the seat next to him. I am much shorter than Angel, so I couldn’t just sit down. I had to jump up a little, and the truck bounced a little as I got situated.

“Whoa, Nelly,” Angel teased, gripping the edge of the tailgate, pretending not to fall off.

“I’d like to think that I’m not that heavy,” I smiled.

“Never, the shocks are just shot, that’s all. So what were y’all doin’ out here? I’d have thought you’d be at home still sleeping or recovering from a night out.”

“No, nothing like that. Patricia and Amber wanted to go to church, and I just came along with them. Do you go to church somewhere? I’ve never asked before.”

Angel smiled and looked out toward the road, “Nah, not lately. I haven’t much felt like it. My dad’s not happy about it, but lately I feel that if I wanted to find God, I’d prefer to find Him in the fields or at the lake on a Sunday morning, not in some stuffy sanctuary.” 

I sat and stared ahead.

“I don’t mind going to church. I like being able to sit still and think for a bit. Nobody asking me questions about invoices and dairy supplies.” I wasn’t entirely a lie. But I mostly liked being able to think about home and about Momma, Daddy, Annie, and Baby.

Angel had turned his head and was looking at me. At that moment, the wind kicked up, and a strand of hair blew into my face. Without pausing, Angel reached over and pushed it back away from my face, tucking it behind my ear and gently touching my cheek in the process. 

“Oh, Tessie,” he sighed. 

We both sat there looking at each other for a moment. Then something shifted. A drop. A sudden realization.

Who have I been kidding all this time?

I love him.

I am hopelessly and recklessly in love with him.

I have been this entire time. I probably have been since the very beginning, way back at the carnival.

And, I’m well aware that there’s nothing that can come of it. Men like him do not love girls like me back.