Tessie D

I told Angel that I didn’t know if I could marry him.

It’s been sitting on my heart for the past couple days. I worry that he has a different vision for what our future might look like or that I’m not ever going to be good enough for him.

We’d gone to the movies on Saturday afternoon and seen The Talented Mr. Ripley. Angel picked it, and I hadn’t seen the trailer so I didn’t know what it was about. I spent the entire movie waiting for Angel to turn to me and ask me if there was something that I needed to tell him.

Later, when we were driving home, I couldn’t hold the words back and they came spilling out of me, “I don’t know if we should get married so soon.”

But, he just smiled and kept driving. “Don’t you think we’d be happy together? We enjoy being together. We’re similar in temperment and values. And, I can give you everything you’ve ever wanted and you would give me a beautiful home and family. Don’t you think that sounds about as good as it gets?” He looked over at me and winked.

“Yes, all of that is true. I don’t think anything would make me happier than spending my life with you, raising our children, and growing old together,” I conceded.

“It’s just cold feet. Everyone get them. It’s normal. There’s no one for me. And, you don’t have anyone else that you’re thinking about,” he said pulling up in front of my house. I couldn’t tell him the truth. Of course, there was someone else, but she was gone. 

Angel put the truck in park, killed the engine, and turned to face me. He reached out my hand and held it for a moment, “What is it, then?” He said gently.

I took a deep breath, “I’m not good enough for you and your family. Your family expects you to marry someone from a good family, one with money and…connections. I don’t have any of that. Your parents would never accept me. I’d never be good enough for them, for you. My family is poor. I’m country.”

This rural life with a traditional family living on a farm is a fantasy that he can try out and see if he likes it. See if it fits. But, no matter what, he’ll always come from a wealthy family with the safety net and connections that money and class provides. He’ll have a farm with people he’ll employ to help him, but he’ll always be seperate from them. Even in this country life, there’s still a social hierarchy, and he knows it. He can step out of this life any time that he wants. 

But, for people like me, there was no other option. We didn’t have a choice but to live a so-called “simple life” because we didn’t have the money or resources to choose otherwise. It’s just another way of saying “poverty.” I could feel myself getting angrier the more we talked about it. I am dairyhand, just in a different setting. I work in an office, and they work in the barn.

Angel will never really truly be one of us, no matter how much he pretends. 

“I would rather have the country than the city any day. I would rather have a simple life, working alongside you on a farm, our hands in the dirt, caring for the land and livestock. I’d rather any of that than country clubs and art galleries. I would rather have nature over art.”