Tessie D

Angel and I went shopping yesterday afternoon for the wedding. I wanted to wear a dress, but I didn’t have a white one. To be honest, I didn’t have anything that would’ve been nice enough for a wedding. I could’ve worn my new white suit, but it seemed like it might be… inappropriate to wear pants. The wedding was already so non-traditional, not at all how growing up I’d imagined it would be. I, at least, wanted to wear a dress. And, Angel kindly offered to buy me one as an early wedding present. 

“You’re not supposed to see the bride in her dress before the wedding,” I teased when he mentioned it at work the other day. 

“Then you can pick it out and pay for it while I shop for a new tie for my suit,” he compromised. “Then you’ll have something nice and new, and it’ll still be a surprise.” 

After we pulled into the parking lot, Angel reached into his wallet and handed me a $100 bill. 

“Oh, I don’t need that much,” I said. I’d never spent that much money on a dress in my life. 

“Sure, you do. And if it’s not enough, let me know,” he smiled broadly, his eyes glinting in the afternoon sun. 

I put the money in my wallet and followed him into the store.”

“Meet back up here in an hour?” He asked.

I turned left and walked over to the women’s department. Most of the dresses were for women older than me, but I wanted to wear something a bit more modest for the wedding. When I was in junior high, I was obsessed with a series of books about twin girls growing up and going through middle and high school. One of the books had a drawing of one of the twins in a white high-necked dress with ruffles around the neck and sleeves. I read the book so many times, always turning back to the cover and admiring that dress. I wanted something like that for my wedding. I didn’t think I’d find it—the version in the book looked older and would probably be out of fashion—but maybe I could find something similar. I combed through the racks and found a few dresses, all of them white with flowers or lace. All with high necklines and long sleeves. I took them into the dressing room and tried them on. I looked older, more mature than most girls my age, but I still thought that I looked pretty. I’d wear my hair down and curly for the wedding, I thought, pulling it out of my ponytail and looking at my reflection in the full-length mirror. 

I settled on the least expensive dress that I’d tried on and walked over to the shoes. I didn’t have anything appropriate for a white dress, so I found a pair of white pumps with a slight heel in my size. 

I finished paying for the dress and shoes and walked back toward the front of the store where Angel and I had planned to meet. I was a bit early, so I sat on a bench by the door and pulled out The Book of Ruth, the library book I’d checked out earlier this week. I never left home without a library book shoved into my bag. 

“You beat me here,” I heard Angel say a few minutes later. “I thought for sure that you’d spend the whole hour shopping.”

I raised my head and looked up at him standing over me. He was holding a small paper bag with a narrow cardboard box peeking out of the top. “Nope, got exactly what I needed,” I said and closed my book. 

As I got up to leave, I saw the store’s front door open and a man my age walk in. He was tall and broad, with dark hair combed back away from his face. 

Jason Jones. 

I quickly pretended to put something away in my purse, but, looking up, I could tell from his expression that he’d recognized me. My heart started to pound in my chest, and my legs began to tremble. I tasted pennies. 

Jason looked exactly the same as he did when we were in Mrs. Smith’s Geometry class my junior year of high school, except then his hair was longer on top and parted down the middle. He was also the last person that I’d have wanted to run into. He was the type of person who liked to collect information about people so that he could weaponize it later. He’d act like he was a friend so that they’d be just relaxed enough to share something personal that he could leverage later, just to embarrass or humiliate. One time, on the bus, coming back from a band competition, he sat next to Jessica, a shy freshman who’d lost her virginity to Larry Glasgow, a senior and one of the linebackers on the football team, one night in the back of his truck after a football game. Jessica confided in Jason, and he must’ve woken up the next morning, elated to get to school early the next day just to tell everyone about it in Geometry, like it was some kind of funny joke. Larry confronted Jessica about telling Jason later that day. As if he were embarrassed that it’d gotten out. We were all standing there watching as Larry yelled at her, calling her a stupid scank whose “mouth was as loose as the rest of her.” Jessica burst into tears and ran from the building, and everyone teased her for the rest of the year.

Standing in the store, looking at the stupid grin on Jason’s face, I knew he’d heard what had happened to me. I was sure that he was thrilled to have the opportunity to bring it up.

 “Tess! Hey, how ya doin’?” He said, walking up and reaching out to give me a hug. 

I smiled and hugged him back, “I’m good. Angel, this is Jason. We went to high school together. Jason, this is my boyfriend, Angel.”

“Fiancee,” Angel corrected and reached out his hand. Jason raised his eyebrows and shook his hand. 

“Finacee? Well, you don’t say. Someone wants to make an honest woman of you after all, huh? Good for you, Messy Tessie!”

“I’m sorry?” Angel asked. 

“You never heard of Messy Tessie? Surely, you’ve met her dad and get the joke?” Jason said, laughing. 

“No, I haven’t. And, I’m not sure what the joke is, exactly?” Angel said. I wasn’t surprised that Jason wanted to embarrass me by reminding me of a nickname that I hadn’t heard in three years.

“Oh, it’s just something we all used to call Tess in high school, just joking around, right, Tess? You never minded, did you?” Jason said, gloating in the secret knowledge that he knew something about me that Angel didn’t. 

I can’t remember what I said after that. I grabbed Angel’s hand and pulled him out of the store. I was afraid I might throw up. 

We drove home in silence the rest of the way. I had tried to present myself as someone so different from who I was in high school. I had tried to get Angel to see me as someone else, and Jason had cruelly reminded me that I couldn’t keep hiding who I was from Angel. He needed to know, to understand who I was and what I’d gone through. He needed to know the truth, and I had to tell him all of it before someone else told him. 

We pulled up to my house. I didn’t want to lose my nerve. I had to tell him the truth.

“Angel, if we’re going to get married, we need to be completely honest with each other. There are things about me, about my family, about the past three years, that I need you to know.”

“I hope that you’re not worried about what that jerk said. You know, we all have moments in high school that we’re embarrassed about. Silly nicknames. You don’t think I hadn’t heard all of them growing up with a name like Angel?” He reached out and stroked my hair, “I love you. That’s all I need to know right now. Besides, if there are things we need to know about each other, you can share them with me when you’re ready. We have the rest of our lives for it.” 

I was momentarily comforted by the escape he’d offered me. I didn’t have to confess anything to him right now. It could come in time, after we were married. 

But I knew that wasn’t right. He needed to know before so that he could walk away if he wanted to. He deserved to know everything so he would know exactly who he was marrying.

“That’s very sweet of you to say. But I want you to know me. To really know me.” I took a deep breath and kept going, “So, you know that I’ve wanted to be a writer. I’ve been keeping an online diary of sorts. It’s on the internet. Nobody reads it, but it makes me feel better to write about my life and my experiences. I started it in my senior year of high school, and I’ve written off and on since then.” 

Angel smiled and reached out for my hand. The gesture encouraged me to keep going. “Lately, I’ve been writing more. About working on the dairy. About books that I’ve been reading. About us. I’d like for you to read it.”

“Of course,” he said. “I’d love to.”

“Now. I mean, not now now. But tonight. I’ll write down the address for you. Please, go home and read it tonight.”

“Sure, I can do that,” he smiled. I wrote down the address on the back of a receipt and held it out for him. My last chance to turn back. I could crumble the paper and just tell him to forget it. That it wasn’t a big deal. That I was just being silly.

But, I didn’t. He took the piece of paper, kissed me on the cheek, and promised to read it tonight. He’d see me tomorrow at work. 

I got out of the truck and walked into the house. 

I went into my room and crawled under the covers. The minutes ticked by, and I thought about how long it would take Angel to drive home. He’d be home by now. 

More time went by. Angel would’ve booted up his computer by now. He’d be getting online. 

I layed in bed looking at the ceiling, thinking about how he’d have started reading the first entry, and that I should’ve told him to start from the beginning. That online diaries are meant to be read backward. 

I fell asleep and woke up a few hours later in a panic, thinking about how he’d have read the entire diary by then. He’d have known it all. I wanted to hide in my bed rather than face him in the morning. I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night thinking about the look on his face when I would see him in the morning. Would he be angry that I’d kept so much from him? Sad that we’d have to break up and call off the wedding? Surely, he couldn’t marry someone like me now, now that he knows the truth.

Finally, I got up and drove to work early. I figured it’d be easier if I could distract myself with busywork. 

I’d been working on payroll for an hour when Angel finally came in. He was carrying donuts, and his expression was the same as any other day. When he saw me sitting at the desk, he smiled and held up the bag. 

“In case you needed a bit of sugar this morning,” he said as if it were any other day. 

I took the bag, pulled out a napkin, and a chocolate-covered donut with rainbow sprinkles. I set them both down and steeled myself. He started talking about the work that needed to be done today—the tractor needed an oil change, and several cattle needed vaccinations. But nothing about my diary. Nothing about what I’d written.

Finally, I asked him about it. 

“Oh, I was going to read it last night. Like you’d asked me to. But my mom called, and we talked on the phone for a while. By the time I got off, it was late, and the game was on. But don’t worry. I’ll get around to it.”